My sis is pregnant, and has been having a serious battle with nausea and stomach acid for some time now. She can barely open the fridge due to some odor that instantly brings her, teary-eyed, to her knees (and is apparently undetectable to anyone with less than a bloodhound's olfactory powers). I feel bad for her. I cannot imagine what it's like.
For example, I'm sure it's much worse than my aversion to amplified mouth sounds on tv, which I hate with the fury of a thousand dying suns. On Saturday I half watched "War of the Worlds" on the Sci Fi channel while doing stuff around the apartment. Not the Tom Cruise Speilberg version - this one starred C. Thomas Howell. Yeah. It consisted mainly of him and a priest wandering around in the dirt looking for things to eat. Sadly, they found many items of sustenance and proceeded to consume them noisily during every line. "Aw man, what the hell," I exclaimed the first time. The second time I turned down the volume and muttered my disgust while the priest finished three ham sandwiches during a soliloquoy. After the 40th minute of dialogue said with something resembling peach bits falling out of the actors' mouths, I was screaming at the television. WHAT THE FUCK MAN?? WHAT IS WITH THE EATING?! JESUS! It really bothers me.
I used to run into the next room to hit the mute button when the Sammy Sosa Pepsi commercial would come on. You may remember it. Sammy chaws a taco while gulping soda at 130 decibels. The microphone is apparently lodged in his esophageal valve somewhere. It sounds like Jabba the Hutt is choking on balloons filled with mayonnaise inside your head. By far, though, the worst offenders of the genre are the Carl's Jr. commercials. I want 15 minutes inside a room with a long slim rod of highly brittle glass, some rope, two gallons of water and the ad executive who came up with this concept.
As with all hatred, it's good not to be alone. There's a comedian who apparently feels the same way I do about being assaulted by these Godforsaken 30 second abominations. He's done his own version, which I wish I would have thought of. Enjoy.
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2 comments:
Oh my god, of course I read it. I got so many laughs out of this post. And I was gonna bring up Sammy Sosa if you didn't. Jabba! Mayo! Oh man, good stuff.
The thing for me now is that all commercials seem like that commercial. I love that seemingly this month, McDonald's has gone on an all-points media assault promoting their breakfast burrito. Commercials, radio ads, billboards, print. Hwarf.
Oh and thanks for the pity. Me likes.
Thank God I had a box of Kleenex handy next to my computer. I laughed so hard I was slobbering. I share your aversion to mouth sounds. I can't stand it, on TV or in person.
That was some mean funny stuff.
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