What a weird word. I think there should be a candy bar called Blog. Or maybe a plastic container with a bright green substance inside similar to "Evil Horde Slime", only you can eat it. A snack of slime called Blog. I would buy the shit outta that. Remember slime? It was sold in gumball machines (the prize kind, not the gum kind). It was just....slime. It wouldn't stick to anything though. It was wet, yet not wet. Crazy. That was a toy.
Also, does anyone remember those miniature musclemen things? They were like the size of your fingernail, and made of pink rubber. You had to look closely to see the details. Each one was different. That doesn't sound like much, except that you could buy them 300 at a time. Or less. Jason Pastori had thousands of em, and we never did find two alike. They were like little superheroes. I guess you were supposed to pit them against each other or something. One would have six arms, one a cannon in his chest, etc. Someone please tell me what those were called, it's drivin me nuts.
As you can see it's a ramble post. I haven't posted in some time so I thought I better not get back to my old ways. But I was sick for about 10 days with an intermittent sore throat, so that's my excuse. I hate sore throats. Give me vertigo and explosive diarrhea before a sore throat.
Back to blog. It reminds me of two things. 1) That song from Ren & Stimpy (sung to the tune of the slinky theme): "It's log, it's log - it's big. It's heavy. It's wood." And 2) something from an old book of Dave Letterman's top 10 lists. If you ever see those you should buy them. They're funny. This one was Top 10 failed candy bars, and one was "Roger Ebert's Mystery Log." Goddamn that's funny.
Other lists included Top 10 failed kids' games, with such notables as Traffic Tag, The Junior Electrician's Outlet Exploration Kit, and "Will It Burn?" by Parker Bros.
So what else? My fantasy football team SUX. Best wide receiver - out for the season. Other WR's - can't catch a cold. Super star pro bowl all time favorite QB - looks like he's been practicing interceptions and fumbles all summer, and was sacked so hard he bruised his chest. Favorite RB - calf injury. JT's team looks to be an unstoppable juggernaut though. Good thing I invited him into the league. Bastard. Oh yeah and now my brother-in-law has taken to rubbing in the fact that I don't have T.O. and he does, and his brother, who trounced me in the first week, has taken to making references which allude to me being a homo-sexsual (pronouned in Stewie's voice from Family Guy). Whatever dicks.
I guess that's about it. Started working out again, which really hurts. Watched the ENTIRE US Open while sick. I mean every single friggin' match. That was cool. And no commercials thanks to tivo. John McEnroe is my hero, btw, but that's for another blog.
he he. I said blog.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Friday, September 02, 2005
Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall...Who Has the Blackest Name of All?
My buddy JT and I were talking about names, and who has the blackest name in sports. I think it started with my observation that there are some guys with decidedly un-black names out there, especially in football. Take Donovan McNabb for instance. Now don't get me wrong, he's my guy. He heads my fantasy team and is my favorite QB in the universe.
But what's up with that name? He has the first name of a folk/troubadour singer from the 60's who couldn't be more white. His last name sounds like the bastard son of a red-haired hamburger selling clown and a masked hamburger stealing bandit who trolls around playgrounds snatching kids in a van. And that ain't very black. Serial killers and child-snatchers are ALWAYS white.
That being said, I love the name Donovan McNabb. I mean look at this guy, he rocks:
But what's the deal with all the black guys with McNames in football? Steve McNair, QB for the TN Titans, Adrian McPherson, QB for New Orleans, and the above mentioned McNabb, QB for the Eagles. And what about wide receivers Billy McMullen, (Philly) and Leron McCoy (AZ)? Isn't "Mc" a Scottish thing? Then there's Jeff Blake. I guess that one could go either way.
There are some names that give it away. Dez White. You know he's a black guy. In fact, Yahoo Sports lists four players with the last name white: Dez White, Jamel White, Roddy White, and Manuel White - all not white guys. It's like the name Black - you know that's a white guy. Lewis Black, Michael Ian Black, Frank Black. Those are some white-ass dudes.
Here are some guys with some black names: Laveranues Coles (pronounced Luh-VER-nee-us, at least by the announcers I've heard). Javon Walker. Priest Holmes. Cedric Benson. He's got the first name of a black comedian and the last name of a black butler (played by a black guy with a white name - Robert Guillaume). Lee Suggs. Onterrio Smith. Jerome Bettis.
Of course we didn't limit the search to just football. There's former Cub pitcher LaTroy Hawkins. Or what about 18 year old tennis player Scoville Jenkins? Hmmm...that might be a winner. Just then JT thought of one that the others can't hold a candle to:
Cadillac Williams.
Carnell "Cadillac" Williams, to be exact. That, my friends, is the man with the blackest name in all of sports.
We started trying to see if we could top it, and create just the blackest name, period. I used to work for a guy named Rodell Jones. Or what about Washington Jones? Those are both contenders in my book. Cadillac Jones? Hmm...that's pretty good too. But it doesn't have that same smooth shiny ring to it that it does when paired with Williams. Cadillac Jones might be a caricature; a character in a blaxploitation movie. Cadillac Williams is the "TING!" sparkle of a brilliant smile. A bear of a man - but a really nice guy wearing a new suit and a huge shiny ring that could crush you like a bug but wouldn't ever think of it.
No, it seems there's only one way to make this name any blacker. Add the middle name "muthafukkin'" to it. Let's try it out:
Cadillac Muthafukkin'Williams. The man with the blackest name, period.
Yep, that's the one.
Don't be offended, next week we'll be searching for the person with the most Italian and Greek names. Frontrunners so far include Ouzo Grisi, Grabbin Mycrotchalot, Nick Cockblockopolis (from NY), and Shorthairydirtydagowopguineabastid Smith.
But what's up with that name? He has the first name of a folk/troubadour singer from the 60's who couldn't be more white. His last name sounds like the bastard son of a red-haired hamburger selling clown and a masked hamburger stealing bandit who trolls around playgrounds snatching kids in a van. And that ain't very black. Serial killers and child-snatchers are ALWAYS white.
That being said, I love the name Donovan McNabb. I mean look at this guy, he rocks:
But what's the deal with all the black guys with McNames in football? Steve McNair, QB for the TN Titans, Adrian McPherson, QB for New Orleans, and the above mentioned McNabb, QB for the Eagles. And what about wide receivers Billy McMullen, (Philly) and Leron McCoy (AZ)? Isn't "Mc" a Scottish thing? Then there's Jeff Blake. I guess that one could go either way.
There are some names that give it away. Dez White. You know he's a black guy. In fact, Yahoo Sports lists four players with the last name white: Dez White, Jamel White, Roddy White, and Manuel White - all not white guys. It's like the name Black - you know that's a white guy. Lewis Black, Michael Ian Black, Frank Black. Those are some white-ass dudes.
Here are some guys with some black names: Laveranues Coles (pronounced Luh-VER-nee-us, at least by the announcers I've heard). Javon Walker. Priest Holmes. Cedric Benson. He's got the first name of a black comedian and the last name of a black butler (played by a black guy with a white name - Robert Guillaume). Lee Suggs. Onterrio Smith. Jerome Bettis.
Of course we didn't limit the search to just football. There's former Cub pitcher LaTroy Hawkins. Or what about 18 year old tennis player Scoville Jenkins? Hmmm...that might be a winner. Just then JT thought of one that the others can't hold a candle to:
Cadillac Williams.
Carnell "Cadillac" Williams, to be exact. That, my friends, is the man with the blackest name in all of sports.
We started trying to see if we could top it, and create just the blackest name, period. I used to work for a guy named Rodell Jones. Or what about Washington Jones? Those are both contenders in my book. Cadillac Jones? Hmm...that's pretty good too. But it doesn't have that same smooth shiny ring to it that it does when paired with Williams. Cadillac Jones might be a caricature; a character in a blaxploitation movie. Cadillac Williams is the "TING!" sparkle of a brilliant smile. A bear of a man - but a really nice guy wearing a new suit and a huge shiny ring that could crush you like a bug but wouldn't ever think of it.
No, it seems there's only one way to make this name any blacker. Add the middle name "muthafukkin'" to it. Let's try it out:
Cadillac Muthafukkin'Williams. The man with the blackest name, period.
Yep, that's the one.
Don't be offended, next week we'll be searching for the person with the most Italian and Greek names. Frontrunners so far include Ouzo Grisi, Grabbin Mycrotchalot, Nick Cockblockopolis (from NY), and Shorthairydirtydagowopguineabastid Smith.
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