Post Op Report

No, I'm not a tranny. I did have minor surgery two weeks ago though, and haven't felt much like doing anything even though I now have an incredible amount of free time at work (that's another post).

Anyhow, for the past few years I haven't been able to breathe through the left side of my nose. It got steadily worse over time, to wear it was starting to drive me batshit crazy. And it was doing weird things, like getting really plugged up when I ate, and emitting a bright white, rubbery substance that must have been mucus but more closely resembled chewing gum. Oh yeah, this post is gonna be pretty gross.

I figured while I have semi-decent health insurance I should get this taken care of. A coworker recommended a really good ENT/Plastic Surgeon. I was really really hoping not to need the surgeon part. I thought maybe worst case scenario he'd go up in there with a laser while I read the paper or something. Maybe take about 30 seconds, bada bing bada boom! Clear skies in my nose. That wasn't meant to be.

First, I had to deal with the nightmare of our HMO. If you already know the doctor you want to see , you're screwed. You have to have a primary care doctor in the same medical group, so I had to change doctors. They assigned me to no less than 4 different incorrect doctors. I finally got the one I wanted after 2 days of phone calls. Then I had to go see him. He wanted all sorts of tests done. I didn't do them. Then he had to get an authorization for me to see the ENT. After a crapload of rigamarole, I got to go. The ENT took one look up my nose and said "oh yeah, you need surgery."

Now I had to get tests done. I had blood drawn, which went fine except they told me a week before my surgery that they had FORGOTTEN to do some of the tests. The next time I went it was 12:30 pm and I hadn't eaten yet, and I totally passed out. I woke up moaning and sweating, and also pretty mortified that I let that happen. Turns out I hate needles. Also, I'm a pansy. I could watch someone else get their arm lopped off but 2 drops of my own blood and I'm out.

You'll never see me on a talk show after cutting off my own hand to get out of the desert, or crawling a mile and a half back home after having my arms threshed off by a combine in the field. I won't make it. I'll take one look at that shit, pass out, and die of blood loss. I think that's why I'm so afraid of sharks. Yeah, getting your leg or arm bitten off would suck baws, but most people survive because the shark moves off to wait for you to bleed to death the way a seal would, and that gives a human time to swim back to shore. Not me. If that happens, I'm fish food.

Many visits and authorizations later, I found myself being dropped off at the surgery center at 7 am. I filled out 400 pages of paperwork, changed into a paper gown and sat in a lazy boy while the nurse proceeded to stick me with the i.v. Since no blood was going to come out, I felt ok about this. Soon I started getting cold sweats and feeling dizzy. Shit. Am I really gonna be that guy who buckles every time I get stuck? She took my blood sugar. She didn't know how to read it, so another nurse had to help. It was fine. Eventually it passed and I stayed conscious. After that I felt pretty good, except my arm hurt. Turns out that was because she completely "blew my vein" as a friend later told me. This is a full week after the surgery:



Anyway, they finally wheeled me in and gave me a drug cocktail. The lights on the ceiling started moving as if I was on a train car moving underneath. That's interesting, I thought. Ok, we're ready, I heard the doc say. There was a click as the anesthesia was administered, and it was instant lights out. I woke up in the recovery room feeling like I was swimming under a pool of cotton, but came to pretty fast. My throat felt like someone had made me swallow tennis balls for an hour. I wanted to lay there for a bit but they actually started sort of hurrying me out. I was my buddy's truck before I really knew what was happening.

We stopped by Walgreens because I hadn't picked up my prescription for pain killers yet. MISTAKE. After a few minutes waiting near the pharmacy, I began to bleed all over hell and creation. I was vaguely aware of Mike asking the pharmacist if he could come back and pick up my meds because I was starting to paint the place red. She said yes, and we bounced. He went back and got the pills for me, and he only kept a handful. He's a stand up guy.

Here's what I looked like that afternoon:






That stuff in my nose is called "packing." It's a spongy thing with, apparently, tubes in it so you can breathe. That shit does NOT work. I didn't even know the tubes were there until the next day when the doc pulled them out. He then pulled the packing out and for about 4 seconds I could breathe. Then it clogged up like you wouldn't believe.

Over the next few days it dripped blood so that I had to change the dressing every 20 minutes or so (first day), then so that I could get by with just rolled up tp stuck up there:



Then it just ran snot, and then that finally stopped by about day 4. Still swollen, painful, and I was not allowed to blow my nose so completely stuffed up. A week after the surgery I went back, and the doc pulled what he called "mucus plugs" out of my head. It felt like pieces of my brain were being slowly dragged out through my nose, and then he used a 9 ft metallic tube device to vacuum the back of my skull from what seemed like the next room. He also removed the stitches, which he said would dissolve on their own but he took them out to prevent "crusting." Two days later though, I blew my nose and a stitch came out. That was fun. Didn't bleed, just looked weird. I was overjoyed to be able to blow my nose at all. Do NOT take that for granted.

It's been 2 weeks now and I can breathe through my nose, although it still gets a bit plugged. But I can already tell my breathing is going to be fantastic once it clears up. The worst part has been having to sleep sitting upright for the first few days, then propped up and breathing through my mouth. For the first week, I woke up every 20-30 minutes feeling like someone had been pouring sand down my throat. I used a humidifier and still had to drink a gallon of water a night. Now I sleep for about 4-5 hours at a time. I haven't slept a single night through for 15 days though. I'm in a constant state of exhaustion. At some point I'm going to sleep for about 17 hours and then I may feel human again. The worst part is over though, and it's getting better every day. God bless modern medicine. Except for the needles.