The Ten Commandments. Ok, so I'm a blasphemer.

I grew up Catholic. In fact, I was an altar boy for a couple years. I went through CCD, confirmation, all that. And I have no regrets. I actually think growing up with traditions is great, and Catholicism is chock full of em. That being said, most of the Catholics my age that I know started questioning some or most of these traditions at some point, and this led to a sort of disillusionment with the Catholic Church, or at least to a scratching of heads.

For me, like many, it led to no longer going to church. I haven't been to church in at least 10 years, excepting the occasional (read: maybe three times) visit when I was with relatives who went, or when I attended a Catholic wedding (and didn't just go to the reception). I know some people who still go because even though they don't agree with all the teachings of the Catholic Church, they get something out of it by attending regularly, and I think that's great. I say do whatever helps you be a better person. For myself, I can hardly stand it any more, and part of that is probably laziness (I don't exactly go to bed early on saturday nights). Part of it is boredom with the ceremony itself, and part of it has to do with my ideological disagreements with the edicts of my former religion.

Being a recovering Catholic, as one comedian put it, I've had a lot of experience with the Catholic Church telling me what (and what not) to do. In fact, if I had to say one thing that the Catholic Church does, narrow it down to one main function, one job - that would be it. They tell people what they can and cannot do. Youse follows the rules, or youse goes to hells. Maybe that's too simplistic, but in my view that's what it boils down to. Maybe that could be said for all religions. Well, except for the hell part, say, in Buddhism. But you get the idea.

For example, my sister recently
predicted that with the Pope now being fed through a tube, someone would inevitably make a comparison between him and the Terry Schiavo case. Little did she know, it would be
the Pope himself. Now hear this, Catholics: you are no longer allowed to even consider taking your loved ones (or having them take you) off of a feeding tube, should you find yourself or a loved one (God forbid) in a vegetative state. God, through the edict of a man, has declared this forbidden. It isn't written down or anything, but the Pope said it so that's the way it is.

Given that this has been solely a one way system of commands for as long as I can remember (the Catholic Church to ---> me), and given that attendance in the Catholic Church in America is down a whopping 47% over the last twenty years, I thought it was high time I issued my own edict. It's my turn to tell the Catholic Church what to do. These are the rules for my Catholic Church. You don't have to agree with, or even like them, as I don't have to agree with or like the rules handed down to me by Vatican City. So here it is, my:

TOP TEN WAYS TO FIX THE CATHOLIC CHURCH

1) ORDAIN WOMEN. It's time to end the boys' club, boys. We condemn eastern cultures that subjugate women as second class citizens or mere objects. Then why doesn't God want to hear from them, too? I can't believe our Lord doesn't deem women capable or worthy enough to serve him as men do. It's increasingly more difficult to get men to join the clergy, and this would help alleviate that problem as well.

2) ALLOW PRIESTS TO MARRY. At the risk of repeating myself, it's time to end the boys' club, boys. Allowing Catholic priests to marry, as Catholic deacons are allowed to do, would solve a couple of problems. The number of people dedicating their lives to serving in the clergy would increase (see # 1 for another idea), and arguably, the number of priests who molest young boys would go down. Whether their motivation to behave this way would be lessened or there simply wouldn't be as many people in the clergy who would do this kind of thing, the Church as a whole would be better served.

3) STOP MOLESTING CHILDREN. One last time. It's time to end the boys' club, boys. It's great to have a two week convention in Vatican City, the end result of which is a "zero tolerance" policy for molestation. Did that need to be said? It's no wonder things don't change in this Church, if it takes two weeks to come up with that. How about this? You molest a kid, you're no longer a priest. Anywhere. Ever. Yes, you can still be forgiven in the eyes of God. No, you can't run anymore youth camps. Sorry. That's what zero tolerance should mean. You're not transferred somewhere else. Are you kidding me? You're reported to the authorities and you register as a sex offender in every single town you ever live in for the rest of your life. And whatever other punishments the law hands down, you take. Nuff said.

4) ACCEPT GAY PEOPLE. They exist. They're not going anywhere, and it's not a choice. God made them that way. Now why would he send them to hell for something he did? It's time to get with the 21st century, CC. All the right wing protestants in this country already consider you the Church of the liberal crazies anyway. Only in America could the Church of the Inquisition be considered liberal. But I digress. The Church should do what the Democratic party needs to do. Embrace your progressive image. Run with it. You don't have to start having gay weddings (they're not legal anyway in most states), but could you maybe stop condemning homosexuals to hell? Church attendance will go up, and half your priests will breathe a sigh of relief.

5) FACE REALITY. What percentage, I wonder, of Catholics in this country (or the world for that matter) have had premarital sex? I'm betting on a number somewhere in the high 90s. Does anyone know anyone who's only had sex with one person, and only then after marriage? I'm not saying they don't exist, I'm just saying they don't appear often, like bleeding paintings or Snuffalupagus. So that means we're all sinners (or almost all of us). Ok, so be it. We sin, we get forgiveness, the wheel goes round. I guess that keeps us in need of priests, so we have someone to confess to, because God can't be bothered to talk to us. I just have a hard time believing that insistence on abstinence is still the right position to take. It's kind of like the drug war in this country, isn't it? A lost cause? I guess I don't know what the fix is here, but could we take a look at some options maybe? I don't know, sex ed? Oh, wait, no, that won't work. Because if you're responsible enough to use birth control, that's another sin. Nevermind.

6) RECOGNIZE DIVORCE. Hey, I didn't say these were minor changes. Nor are they gonna be adopted in my lifetime, probably. But it's my list, dammit. With a divorce rate of over 60%, we've got to look this one in the eye. I mean, as far as the Church is concerned, if you've consummated your marriage, there's no anullment option for you. With no anullment, that means that in the Church's eyes, you're still married. Now you're sleeping with someone else (that you may have married)?? You're piling on the sins, my friend. Is this realistic? If God believes in forgiveness, isn't their a second chance where marriage is concerned? Ever?

7) APOLOGIZE. Did you know that in the middle ages, over a span of less than 100 years, 100,000 women were burned at the stake in Europe for being witches? BURNED. AT. THE. STAKE. Alive. In public. By the CATHOLIC CHURCH. And that doesn't begin to count all the men, women, and children (yes, children) who were tortured and put to death for being heretics. By the Catholic Church. Yes, I'm aware that no one alive today took part in this. But I think it would be a great exercise in the CC turning over a new leaf and getting used to a new habit: not sweeping things under the rug. Like the molestation of children in its own ranks, the premarital sex of almost all its members, the climbing divorce rate, or the declining attendance rate, the Catholic Church has made a high art out of pretending things aren't happening (or didn't happen). What is needed is a new approach: admitting things aren't perfect. Without that step, there can be no meaningful change. And I'm not even asking the CC to talk about the present! We can ignore that for now, and start with something easy, like all those witches. Just say it, Galileo got a bum rap, and the Church is very sorry for that. There, now doesn't that feel better?

8) LIVEN UP THE MASS. I'd love it if we didn't have to say the same things every time. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Might explain why everyone sounds like robots and is thinking about what to make for dinner, or dreading work tomorrow while they pray in church. It's what they do to brainwash people in certain cults, for God's - I mean criminy's sake. But hey, alright, you don't wanna change the words, that's cool. I can live with that. Could we at least get a band in there? How about a funny sermon? There was a new priest when I was an alter boy. A young guy, and he was so cool. He'd make little jokes with us, like when he blessed the wine he'd say "good to the last drop" under his breath. We loved that guy. He made it fun to come to church. And no, he didn't molest anyone, either. He tried to liven things up with the congregation, too. He actually put jokes into his sermons, and they were funny. So many people (old people) complained about his irreverance that he was transferred. Thanks, old people, you got several young alter boys and young members of the parish to start dreading Sundays again. Nice job. So this one, I guess, I'm aiming mostly at the parishes in this country. If you're sick of how boring Church is, change it. Support cool priests. Ask for musicians. SING. Act like you're half alive, maybe someone else will wake up. There's a church I've heard of here in LA where the priest wears sweat pants, tells jokes, and there's a band with AMPLIFIERS. You don't have to dress up to go there, you wear whatever you feel like. This is a CATHOLIC Church. And guess what? It's packed every single Sunday. PACKED. I'm even gonna go check it out myself. Ok, so this is L.A. and you don't want your priest to wear sweats. Fine. BUT DO SOMETHING!

9) CHANGE YOUR IMAGE. If the CC wants to survive, it needs young people. Period. Less and less of those young people are growing up wanting to follow the lead of a bunch of stodgy old men. Whether liberal or conservative, young people just don't connect with that. Even without changing any of its positions, the Catholic Church could get more young people to be involved if it made an effort to connect with them. Bill Clinton went on MTV and young people loved it, even if they didn't agree with his views. If the Catholic religion would reach out just a little bit, it might alleviate the image most people have of an old man you'd only go see to tell your sins to in a dark wooden box. Let people see that members of the clergy are people. Go out in the community and be seen. Sponsor a biker rally for charity. Have a karaoke contest at a bar (it's not like Catholics don't drink). Help build a skatepark. Form an after school place for kids to go and hang out, play sports, do homework, or whatever in a neighborhood where there are drugs and gangs. I see other groups doing these things, but never the Catholic Church. Why? Get some volunteer efforts going. Real ones, where people can see and feel that they're making a difference, and that church isn't just somewhere they go to be lectured and feel guilty, but a positive experience that makes them feel GOOD. Let's tear down that wall between the pulpit and the pews.

10) LISTEN. I may print this out and send it somewhere, but deep down I don't feel like it will be taken seriously. That's too bad. Every now and again the priests and the bishops and the cardinals get together to talk about the state of the Catholic Church, but they only share each other's views behind closed doors. It seems to me that the Church would do better if it opened up a little more. Let us have a peek as to what goes on. How about a campaign where the Church accepts letters, or sets up a website where members can write in? Like a big suggestion box. And then all the higher ups could get together and talk about it. It might not lead to anything, but at least the higher ups would get their fingers on the pulse of how their religion is doing. As it is now it seems like they don't really care. Even a simple survey would let people know that their views and feelings were important and would help the Church understand its parishoners. You know, the people who give all the money? You know, the money that pays the living expenses of all those old guys and bought the gold roof they meet under? Yeah, those people. If the CC was a company, they'd have hired a PR firm a long time ago, and that firm would've had its work cut out for it.

So there you go, Church. Those are my rules. I'll tell you what, I'll call them suggestions. You take em or you leave em, it's up to you. That's more choice than I get with your rules, but hey, I'm just sayin'. Sound kind of like a Jewish mother, there, don't I? Hmmm.....judaism....now there's an idea....