In which I manage to bless the Pope and make an abortion joke in a single post

Well, given today's events I think it's time to let up on the Catholic Church for a while. They have other issues to deal with right now. Whatever issues I have with the Church in general, I always kind of liked John Paul II. He seemed like a nice guy. May he rest in peace.

So let's change the subject. How about:

COMMERCIALS I HATE

I pretty much despise all commercials, but some of them are funny. The first time. Some of them, though, make my freaking skin crawl. The trend I abhor most is the new fashion on tv and radio of infusing every single commercial with super amplified mouth sounds. What is with this? It doesn't make me hungry or thirsty, it doesn't make me want to buy your product. It makes me want to hurl. Some of the worst offenders make me literally run from the next room to snatch up the remote and hit the mute button...

The one with Sammy Sosa eating tacos. First of all, I hate the way the kid goes "Sahmmee Sooooosaaaah." Ecch. Then we get to hear Sammy crunching and munching and gargling soda, swallowing a cubic liter of air with every gulp. Yummy. Get out of my face you steroid bloated pig.

Every single Quizno's commercial, where at the end we get to not only see the bites being taken out of the sandwich, we hear the disgusting crunches. SANDWICHES SHOULD NOT CRUNCH. Quiznos. Mmm..mmm..mmmm..mmmm...garbage.

Every Carl's Jr. commercial. They literally drop the sandwich on the floor and we get to see the eight pounds of condiments slop out. WTF????? Why is that supposed to be appetizing?!?! Yes, I'll have the dumpster combo please. Supersize it!

The worst offender of all, designed, paid for, and launched specifically to send me into my own personal hell: the office guy eating cereal at his desk. His boss is trying to fire him and he can't hear over the crunching. Yes, I enjoy the crunching sounds my own skull makes so much I'd like them repeated to me juiced up by 90 decibels on tv. Thanks asshole. Love your cereal. Remind me to set the factory on fire.

And lastly, not for the noises, but just because they are so disturbing it makes me want to flay my own skin with a rusty carpet knife: all the babies with animated mouths. They're all done by the same mind crushingly annoying voiceover guy, and they always, always, always make the baby hitting on a woman. Attractive.

Oh, and the ones where we get to hear smarmy condescending advice being delivered by a fetus, who we can see staring at us, to its own mother. Something about eating hot food. I think that's a Carl's jr. ad too. I'd like to see the sequel, where a wire coat hanger comes up from the bottom of the screen and ends his little diatribe.

Too far?

In other news, I live right next to the entrance to Dodger Stadium here in L.A., which for some reason or other is the vortex for all crazy people in Southern California. There's been a guy standing on the corner for FIVE HOURS now (no exaggeration), screaming at the entrance sign with everything he's got. He started out with "Dodgers suck, F$#@ the Dodgers", etc. but quickly moved on to "F$#% the police", "Hey Mike Mike, Whatcha got for me" (that one lasted about an hour), and "That's ok, I don't deal with squares anyway". Update: just now some straight-outta-the-barrio east L.A. vatos showed up and told him to shut the fuck up. One of them said "It was nice and quiet around here for a little while" before they herded him off. Now that's cool. Thanks, holmes!!