A Good Night's Sleep

Last night I did something I haven't done in almost 5 years: slept in a quiet apartment.

I've had upstairs neighbors that trained elephants to bowl from midnight to 6 a.m. every night since the fall of 2003. Seriously, their pounding on the floor could only have been explained by pachyderms or perhaps the USC marching band.

They were the weirdest couple. One was a small Jewish woman, maybe in her late 30's. The other was a mid-twenties Latino guy. I don't think he ever said 3 words in the entire time they were there. She, on the other hand, LOVED to talk. She referred to him as her "partner" and said that they were running a business together. However, I never once saw a product come or go. When I asked what kind of business it was, she replied "Oh, I own some domain names and other stuff." Really? The only thing I could think of was porn. And at first I thought maybe that was it. Maybe the nightly noises were porn shoots! But it wasn't that.

Nobody ever came or went, for one thing. And once I was invited in to their place and there was no room for any of that kind of activity. The place was filled with milk crates and stacks of books and papers and clutter and junk. There was a walking path to the computer and the kitchen, and that was it. Model airplanes hung from the ceiling. The bedroom had no door, just a flag with the star of David on it. And they were TOTAL potheads. She kept offering to "turn me on." Has anyone used that expression since 1968?

She also thought I was Jewish. The very first time I met her she asked me if I was, and I said no. Every single Jewish holiday after that for the next four years she wished me happy __________. Happy Yom Kippur, happy Rosh Hashannah, etc. I kept telling her every single time that I was not Jewish. Finally I just started wishing her a Happy Easter and Merry Christmas.

One time she asked me if it was a good time for her to come down and ask me a legal question. "No, I'm sorry," I replied. "I'm leaving soon. And I'm not a lawyer, so I really can't give you legal advice." Three minutes later she knocked on my door, and basically barged in. She started asking me what I knew about Family Partnerships in Nevada (a form of company there). "Well, nothing," I replied. She proceeded to tell me that it was a good way to hide assets, and that I should look into it. Right, because I have so many assets to hide. Get out of my apartment.

The noise got so bad during the last year that I went from banging on the ceiling with a broom to leaving nasty letters at her door. Her first response was "I have to work when I have the energy." Well, start sleeping at night and you'll have the energy during the day. Besides, most of us don't have that luxury. We have to work when our job dictates. Then she tried to tell me that the sounds I heard might be trucks, motorcycles, or the wind. Are you kidding me? I know where the sounds are coming from. YOU.

Finally it quieted down. A couple weeks ago she came down knocking on my door when I had people over (she always came down to be nosy when I had people over). She told me she was moving, and that her "partner" had already moved (hence the quiet I guess). They were going to a place in east L.A. owned by a guy who spoke no English and had 11 kids. 11. Our apartment manager had been steadily raising their rent (he hated them) so they must have been looking for something cheaper. She told me all about how it was a cockroach infested crap hole. I didn't take the bait by asking her why she was moving. I was too busy trying not to squeal with delight like a four year old girl. "Well, good luck" I told her. Then I promptly shut the door and announced to my friends "YES!!!! MY NEIGHBORS ARE MOVING OUT!!!!!"

So for the last four and a half years I've slept with the loudest fan on earth. I'd gotten so used to it that even when I'd go visit my sister and brother in law I'd turn on their air purifier full blast, even though it was quiet there. And when I'd visit my mom the utter silence of her country house made me feel a little insane. But last night I tried it. I turned the fan on out of habit, then remembered I probably didn't need it. I turned it off. It was eerily quiet. I got into bed and listened. Nothing. I was asleep in seconds. I even overslept, and was 30 minutes late for work today. And you know what, I do not care. I haven't slept that well in years.