Music City: A fictitious, simplistic place where cliches come true

I promised my friend Niki that I would blog this next, since she was nice enough to type it for me (although she supposedly types 70 wpm with no mistakes, so I think it took her about 28 seconds to complete). She typed it for me, not because I'm lazy (I am) but because it was only to be found printed in a program for the Hollywood Bowl. She instantly recognized its brilliance and sent it to me for shredding (as in sarcastically ripping apart). If you've ever had doubts about your chances of success at becoming a professional published writer, fear no more. But don't try to get printed in the playbill for the Hollywood Bowl, or you'll have Dan Macintosh to compete with...my comments are in italics.


Music City …the ultimate, living, breathing jukebox
Dan MacIntosh

    But what makes Hollywood’s music scene special? It doesn’t have a distinctive sound or style, such as Nashville’s country or Detroit’s Motown soul. Instead, Hollywood’s musical uniqueness is attributed to its close proximity to the hubs of both the television and film industries. This are is [sic] a kind of melting pot of the arts, if you will, with actors, musicians and other fame-seeking entertainers all inhabiting the same small creative stage, simultaneously surging to capture the spotlight.

Nevermind that Motown left Detroit in 1968 and Nashville has more than country. What the hell do the tv and film industry have to do with the "musical sound" of L.A.? All the bands are from somewhere else, is that what he's trying to say?

    Every night of the week, soundboards are humming hot with live music action in this town. Sounds flow from underground haunts like the Hotel Café or Largo, to that special musical magic emanating beneath the stars at the Hollywood Bowl.

Ooh, what a turn of phrase! "Special musical magic beneath the stars..." Que Bella! Ring ring! It's the hack club calling. They want their cliche back.

    The worlds of music and film have had a co-dependant [sic] relationship ever since silver screens first brightened darkened theatres. For instance, when D.W. Griffith produced his silent movie classic, “Birth of a Nation” (1915), he underpinned its visuals with a large orchestral score stitched together from classical and popular sources. And even during the silent movie ere [sic], such films were still scored primarily by classically trained musicians. Furthermore, such musical accompaniments insured that there have never been any completely silent movies.

DUDE. You...are....blowing...my...mind.

    When looking at the way various entertainment avenues intertwine, The Hollywood Bowl is akin to a pivotal intersection for such connections. “The Bowl has been in a lot of movies and television shows,” explains the Director of the Hollywood Bowl Museum, Carol Merrill-Mersky. “Some very great movies of the past have had scenes at the Hollywood Bowl. The most famous ones would be “Double Indemnity” and “Anchors Away” with Frank Sinatra and Gene Kelly. More recently, “Beaches.” The whole opening of the film is shot on the stage at the Bowl. It’s been included in television shows from “The Beverly Hillbillies,” up to the current ones. And these have been seen by millions of people worldwide, over many generations.”

Hmmm...yes, the fact that the Hollywood Bowl has been seen in many movies does make it "akin" to a "pivotal intersection" for "such connections." In much the same way as that donut stand with the giant donut in front has been featured in many films, and is thus a crucial crossroads between the high art of film and the world of food. Or toilets, having been featured in countless movies, are a seminal conjunction between the world of entertainment and that of shitting. And I'm sorry, but Double Indemnity, Anchors Away, and Beaches are NOT "very great movies." If you have to tell us who's in it, it's probably crap. Obviously, though, when discussing television shows, Carol is right: there are two categories - "The Beverly Hillbillies" and "the current ones." Brilliant. Other things that have been seen by millions of people: the Superbowl, Mars, two dogs humping, and flies on shit.

    Although Hollywood music and institutions are known globally, there’s still no such thing as truly ‘regional’ Hollywood music. Because so many artists come here from every nook and cranny of the world, it’s more like the ultimate, living breathing jukebox, offering a little something for everybody. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to name a genre that doesn’t have a significant Hollywood page in its history book.

Jesus Dan. Are you saying that Hollywood music is known globally because the structure it's sometimes been played in has been seen in Beaches? Or are you talking about music from the movies? The Jaws theme, maybe? Rocky? Those are known globally. Is that what you mean? I'm glad you did clarify your point from earlier, though, about the bands that play in Hollywood being from somewhere else. Because clearly bands from all over the world don't ever play in, say, backwaters like New York City or Chicago. Or every other freakin city on earth.

    Take jazz, for example. This original American art form is alive and well in Hollywood these days, for instance – especially since The Catalina Bar & Grill has moved to its new Sunset Blvd. Home. But Hollywood jazz is hardly just a club thing in these parts, as the Hollywood Bowl annually hosts its renowned Playboy Jazz Festival, which packs in two full days of some of the best jazz music around. Furthermore, books could be written – and probably already have been – about the large role jazz music has played in the Hollywood film scene.

My God, it just gets better. Yes, having one club on Sunset where Jazz is played is definitely "a significant Hollywood page" in the genre. Are you on crack? I'll give you the Playboy Jazz festival, though it doesn't break any ground and the artists are already well established from somewhere else. And, uh, Dan? Dan? You listenin'? Huh, big guy? Look at me. Now pay attention, and repeat after me: "It makes you look stupid when you, A WRITER, say things like 'books could be written - and probably have been'." PROBABLY, DAN?? P.S. you're still confusing Hollywood the place, where the live music is played, and Hollywood the imaginary land of movies.

    Even country music, believe it or not, has roots in this seemingly rootless locale. Of course, the first city that comes to mind when you think about country music is naturally Nashville, TN. But Hollywood also has its own Western music traditions to tout. This is especially true for country-rock, which was practically birthed in Hollywood. One of its earliest practitioners was The Byrds – especially when Gram Parsons contributed to the group’s seminal “Sweethearts of the Rodeo” release. On the more commercial side, one cannot forget about Linda Ronstadt’s early country-leaning records, and especially The Eagles contributions. It’s important to always keep in mind that when Don Henley and his band mates exposed “life in the fast lane,” they did so with a distinctive twang in their voices.

Congratulations! It's the first paragraph that actually offers some relevant facts AND isn't completely trite! You're writing an article!

    There are about as many different variations on rock music styles as there are waitresses/actresses working in Hollywood clubs, so it would be foolish to describe rock’s history in simplistic, all-encompassing, generic terms. But undoubtedly, Hollywood has been a breeding ground for rock music of every imaginable flavor for decades.

Did everyone catch that? It would be FOOLISH to describe rock's history in SIMPLISTIC, ALL-ENCOMPASSING, GENERIC TERMS. Just making sure.

    “This is the edge of the continent,” says KLOS-LA radio icon Jim Ladd. “This is where people from all over the planet – not just America – come here to follow their dreams. So we’re getting talent from everywhere in the world – not to mention whatever local talent there is. So the talent pool here is astonishing.
    During the Sixties, for instance, The Sunset Strip produced a seemingly endless supply of astonishing talent. The Doors, for example, was once the house band at The Whiskey. Furthermore, groups like Love, Buffalo Springfield, and many, many others, took those first baby steps at polishing their stuff under the lights of various clubs along The Strip.
    When it comes to ranking Hollywood’s homegrown talent, The Doors top a many [sic] music fan’s lists. “First and foremost is The Doors,” votes Ladd emphatically. “And that’s personal as well as an objective thing. They were that important when they were discovered on the stage at The Whiskey, and they’re that important today to those 17 or 18 year old high school students listing [sic]to my show (“Headphones”), and listening to The Doors as a new band.”

Man, you'd think since he mentioned the phrase "astonishing talent pool" twice there would be more to talk about than one band from 40 years ago.

    In the early to mid-Seventies, Los Angeles becomes synonymous with the laid back, soft rock sound as singer songwriters like Joni Mitchell of Laurel Canyon made a large, soothing impact. But toward the end of the Seventies, punk rock began to put a safety pin into Hollywood’s otherwise perfectly tanned flesh. Bands like X took the social commentary of the laidback Eagles, and revved these messages up with rapidly strummed guitars.

Oh, I get it. We're going decade by decade now. My bad. Yes, now I clearly remember my uncle reminiscing about this era. He would release his bowels right into the recliner as he mumbled about Joni Mitchell's large, soothing impact. Wait, did he say social commentary of the Eagles?

    Just as punk’s initial sonic blast began to dissipate, its roar was soon replaced by glam metal hard rock on the Sunset Strip. Groups like Motley Crue and Poison sported male musicians that looked pretty enough to give the girls in their audiences a run for their money, as they sprayed-up [sic]their hair, squeezed into spandex pants, and gave hard rock a particularly glamorous face. Its proponents ranged from the hedonistic Motley Crue, to straight road [sic] of those Bible-tossers, Stryper.

Who is he writing this for, 3 year olds?

    Simultaneous to this glamorous hard rock period, there was also something bubbling La Brea tar pit-like just beneath the surface. And just as The Doors had explored the harsh alternative to the Summer of Love many years prior, the group Guns ‘N Roses could perceive that just outside of Hollywood’s bright lights, this area could also be as scary as a jungle.

Wow, now that is some piece of prose there. Did you see that? Did you see how he did that? He used the word "jungle" when talking about a band that had that very same word in one of their songs. Fucking genius.

    Hollywood continues to be the place where unique artists get their first recognition. Modern day troubadours range from the nearly indescribable alternative rock of Beck, to the quiet sadness of the late Elliot Smith. Musicians will always come to Hollywood in search of success, mainly because these are the ones with the greatest drive to make it. At least that’s how promoter Sean Healy sees it. “The bands are a little bit more eager to actually advance their careers,” he’s observed.

And what an observation it was.

    Even though musical styles have evolved, and many great musicians have come and gone over the years, that Capitol Records Tower is a beacon. Just a short glance away from the 101 Freeway, it may appear closer to some than others. But fore [sic] those with the drive to succeed, Hollywood will always be a special place where musical dreams can come true.

That article changed my life, friends. And now you know why. For those with the drive to succeed, or at least a typewriter with some keys that work, the Hollywood Bowl program will always be a special place where writing dreams can come true.