And Again.

This is just a note to say two things:

1) I want to publicly thank M and A for donating to the noble cause of my friend Niki, who had cancer two years ago and now runs marathons (for cancer research), and is trying to raise money to run another one this year (for cancer research). I emailed just about all of my good friends, family, and even some people who hate me (who I guess are excused - no wait that's a large group - I take that back) and some people I barely know (who I will track down later) and some people who I hate (who I will track down later for other reasons). Despite my crackerjack marketing efforts, and the fact that I mentioned that ANY amount would be welcome (even one dollar), only one party donated.

Soon-to-be-new-parents M and A.

This has several long-term consequences for all of you. Especially those of you still lucky enough to come into contact with M in the real world.

Two things I command:

1) anyone who has any kind of beef with Mike or Abby (though this certainly pertains only to Mike, as I've never known anyone to have a beef with Abby) before October (when the marathon is run) must swallow their argument and, in the presence of Mike's undoubtedly egotistical and uninformed alcohol-fueled opinion, NOT SAY ANYTHING. Why? Because,

2) I give Mike the right (though he could and hopefully will take anyway) to answer any argument he's presented with from now until October with the response "I HELPED CURE CANCER, BITCH. WHAT'D YOU DO?" He may vary the wording of this so long as the effect is the same, and may punctuate said declaration with a kick to the groin Bobby Hill style, a punch to the face, or any other agony-inflicting move of his own or his wife's choosing.

Now, a caveat. Anyone who donates to said marathon fund is exempt from having to take the above crap from Mike (or Abby in the extremely unlikely event she should be goaded by her husband into enacting some loophole in this agreement, and by her flood of hormones be unable or unwilling to disagree with such goading).

Did I mention that if runners don't raise enough money they can't run? Yeah. So if you deleted my last email and you happen to be unfortunate enough to be reading this, please listen to your guilt and FIGHT CANCER, WHICH MY FATHER DIED OF, at:

I Am Definitely Not A Gay Communist Lefty Pinko Faggot Who Loves Cancer and The People Who Bombed The Twin Towers! GO AMERICA!!!!!!

This particular run happens to be geared toward curing leukemia, lymphoma, and Hodgkins disease, so the above guilt trip is not misplaced. My dad died of non-hodgkins lymphoma. A downer, to be sure, but think of this: the girl you're sponsoring will be wearing a hat that says: FUCK CANCER.

And, if nothing else, you'll be able to stop Mike from being able to say he's better than you. How many times can you say that?

Oh yeah, and the second thing was that no one seems to be reading this blog anymore. I can understand this, as I am guilty of not posting for two or three months at a time. So I guess I'm the boy who cried wolf. Except I've been posting every other day for about a week now, and I refuse to believe that...aw hell it's too soon. I'll give it some more time.

But now that I'm posting the comment drought is killing me. Except for: Chris, when I talk about the Cubs, and Mike, when I talked about the Simpsons. Incidentally, I invoked the wrath of God years ago when I said that Futurama was funnier than the Simpsons. I stand by my statement, and totally agree with you that another year of Futurama would be way better. A Futurama movie would be the SHIT. Wait - you don't know anything, do you? DO YOU??????!!!!!!!!???????